Overwhelming Love

I am nearing the end of my student teaching experience. I've been at a small, urban, low-income, Christian school for 15 weeks, with 3 weeks remaining. I no longer know how to feel about this. When I started, I knew it was the beginning of the end of this phase in my life. I was excited to almost be done with school. I was already ready to be done with my student teaching. Well, my tune has changed in the past four months.

I am currently on day 2 of my spring break. I am going insane. I'm used to kids barging in a classroom that is not even their's for the hour. Chaos. Noise. Laughter. Yelling. Jokes about boys. Flirting. Here I sit, on my couch, in solitude- listening to my clock tick and my refrigerator hum. It's eerie. I hear these noises on the weekend, not a week day. For being a quiet person, I miss the constant chatter and random conversations. I miss the deep thoughts that get brought up in history class or the loud outbursts from freshman girls in English. I don't recognize my own name. I have now gone 4 days without hearing "Miss!" I do the weekends. But come Monday, I lose the "Lisa," and regain the "Miss" status. I am going insane. Don't get me wrong, the sleeping in is great (if only my roommate would stop making so much noise so as to let me sleep in), and the eating whenever I feel like it is great. The fact that I do not have to make, look at, or think about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for a week is perhaps the best thing about spring break. But ironically, I miss what I do. Yes, I have enough to do to fill my days, but I have no motivation to do these things. Grading 40 history tests/essays (check that off my list, 6 hours working in a library until midnight accomplished that) and another 40 freshman English research papers does not constitute making up for the fact that I do not spend time with the kids I spend all my time thinking about. I eat, breathe, and sleep those kids. They are constantly in the forefront of my mind. I sat in church on Sunday, listening to the sermon, thinking of how it pertained to this student, or that student, and wished those students were sitting there, listening to the sermon.

I love what I do. My tune has changed. As the months count down to weeks, and weeks to days, I find myself dragging my feet. Not in the sense of exhaustion. But in the fact that I never want to leave. I have poured my life into these students. They have learned much from me (at least I hope. They're history tests showed they learned), and I have learned even more from them. These are the students who break my heart on a daily basis. I have never seen such brokenness, emptiness, and often, hopelessness.

I have experienced more in my student teaching than anyone I know. I have come face to face with difficulties I never thought possible, at least not until I started actually teaching in a real job. Seriously, who trusts a student teacher? I have been handed so many burdens from my students to bear on a daily basis. I wouldn't change it for the world. "Miss, I don't know what to do." "Miss, I'm scared." "Miss, I think I'm pregnant." "Miss, I got caught for this." "Miss, I'm such a bad kid." "Miss, I hate my life." "Miss, I'm so lost." I wouldn't exchange any of these students, events, or comments for the world. These students break my heart. And I love them even more. Am I looking forward to May 1?

A few months ago, I would have said "yes," because it meant graduation was a week later and I was free. Free to teach. Free to move on with my life. Free to leave my college experience behind forever. Thank goodness. It's about time. As time rapidly moves forward (now I wish it would drag out so I could savor the remaining time even more), I begin to say "no" I am not looking forward to May 1. I do not want to leave these students. I don't want to leave the girl I mentor. She is just now starting to turn around. She fails every class...she got an A on her history test. A little motivation. A lot of love. That's what these students need. I'm not saying I'm the one who gives it to them. But I have poured all I have in to them. And it is time for me to step back, and step away. "Miss, can't you teach here??? I don't want you to go." Believe me, if I could get a job here, I'd take it in a heartbeat, even if it's not how I ever would have planned my life.

As I look back over the past few months, I begin to realize a few things and see life from a different perspective. What is one thing God has taught me through all of this? Unconditional love. Telling a 14 year old there's no such thing as a bad kid when I write him detention after detention. Telling a girl that I would cry if she died. Taking the toughest girl in the school under my wing because no one knows how to deal with her. Showing love to these kids in little "Lisa-style" ways. Who cares what they've done to get where they are? That's what breaks my heart. But what breaks my heart even more is when they say "why do you do this, miss? you don't have to like me. no one likes me. I'm unlovable." How do you counteract that? How do you break down a 16 year old wall built by the lack of love and trust? I thought I learned unconditional love in Hong Kong. And in a way, I did. But I never thought I would experience it like I do on a daily basis in the center of GR, in a Christian school of 150 students. It doesn't matter what these kids have done, where they've been, or how they act. They need love. Who better to show them love than someone who is shown unconditional love on a daily basis from her Heavenly Father. "Why do you say you love me, Miss?" because I do. God loves me, and I want you to feel the same love.

I am beginning to realize how the past has molded me for the future. I worked with tough middle school girls in youth group for two years. Following that, I worked with Chinese kids who stole my heart. I got my first real taste of teaching. Could I find any more room to love in my heart? Yes. I fell in love with the 300+ kids I came in contact with in the Dominican Republic. God, can I really love anyone else? My heart is broken in a gazzilion pieces! Somehow, I manged to love each and everyone one of these kids with whom I come in contact. Does it feel like I can fit anyone else in my heart? Nope, but I know it's possible. God used my China experience to prepare me for the DR, to prepare me for the Potter's House, which in turn, is preparing me for wherever I end up next. It's just a stepping stone. There are a lot of cracks in the stone that have been patched and glued, while others aren't being fixed. But it is molding me into a better individual, a better teacher. Would I change what I do and where I've been? Not for a second. I wouldn't change the heartbreak, the heartache, and the patched heart.

It is my hope and prayer that each and every one of you grows more in the Father's love and that you learn how to show that love to everyone around you, no matter who they are, what they've done, or who they think they are. They are LOVABLE. Show them that. Show them their worth, their value. God is love. And it is our job to share that love with those who don't see it or understand it.

     Apparently I'm really bad at this blogging thing. I remember I have a Xanga but forget to keep it updated. Looking back I see that the last time I posted was at the end of my school year...about 6 months ago. So much has happened since then...Here's the quick version of the past 6 months:

End of May: Moved 15 minutes away from my current apartment to live with a family for the summer. Played with a 2 year old and a 3 year old all summer. Cute kids. A bit spoiled. Well, very spoiled. But they're cute and they latched on to my teddy bear and my fish and were sad to see them move out with me in August.

June: started tutoring a girl across the street whom I lived with last summer. Hung out with her family and drove her to soccer practice. My friend finally gave birth to her kids towards the end of the month. They are so adorable and they're not called identical twins for nothing. The only way I can tell them apart is by looking for the scar on Brett's stomach from his surgery a few days after his birth.

Brett and Darrin at 2 months of age...

July: took a family trip to the Dominican Republic on a missions trip. We worked in an orphanage for a week and taught the kids about Jesus through Vacation Bible Schools and sports camps. It was an amazing trip and I kind of learned a little more Spanish! God is doing amazing things through the volunteers in the lives of the orphanage kids and the people of Monte Cristi and the surrounding communities. I have pictures on my facebook but I'll try to upload some on here when I have better internet connection. 

We also spent a week on vacation after working at the orphanage. The orphanage was more fun than the vacation, but I'll post some pictures of our vacation as well...

August: came home from the Dominican and began readjusting to American life all over again. Moved out of the family's home a few weeks into August and moved back to my apartment at school. Classes started. Classes are good. I'm learning a lot.

September: received my placement for student teaching in the spring. I'm working at an inner-city Christian high school teaching 9th grade English and 11th grade world history. I'm really excited for it. The teacher I'll be working with is really awesome and everyone loves her. I started tutoring at the school I'll be student teaching at next semester and the girl I tutor is really sweet except she barely speaks English and doesn't understand anything. I feel really bad for her and try so hard to explain stuff and help her understand. She's from Burundi (in Africa) and has lived in America for only one year.

October: I'm in the process of trying to figure out what God wants me to do after graduation in May. I'm not sure where He wants me to teach and serve, but I've been looking at a program within the United States to teach in an inner-city school because that is my passion and where I feel God has called me, at least at this point in my life for a few years. I started applying yesterday for it...

So there you have it. The summary of my life over the past six months. There's so much more to it, but these are the main points.

SCHOOL'S OUT FOR THE SUMMER!!

I finished my last two exams this morning. I did horrible on my science exam, but that's okay. I passed the class with a decent grade so I'm not too bummed, I mean, I really really hate science! My two English exams were this morning. Those went pretty well. So I am OFFICIALLY done for the summer! Graduation is Saturday, but alas, I have one more year before I can do that wonderful walk to get a diploma and be done with this phase of my life...

Instead, now I get to go apply for jobs. I hope to find tutoring jobs in the area since I'm not moving home for the summer. I'm leasing out my apartment and living with a family again for the summer (though a different one from last year). It's free room and board in exchange for 10 hours a week babysitting the two little boys (2 and 3 years of age). Not a bad arrangement, even though I don't know the family. They're not Christians so it'll be a great witnessing opportunity for me.

Now I'm just winding down my stay in my apartment, trying to pack and move my stuff across to the hall to my new apartment. It's cleaned and smelling great. Now I just have to fill it with my furniture. But SCHOOL IS OUT and SUMMER IS IN! Even with all this lovely rain and thunderstorms we've been getting :)

Nachos and Chopsticks

Spring break. Fourth graders. Chopsticks. A gross food video. China. A rowdy group of American 9 and 10 year olds.

A month has gone by. I got out of class today and got my mail. Knowing it was payday, I opened my mailbox to get my check and find a manila envelope stuffed in there. I pull it out and recognize the handwriting of my fourth grade teacher...As I walked in to my apartment, I opened the envelope and out fell 24 thank you notes. Ms. Johnston had written me thanking me for coming in and telling me all about the many lunches in which chopsticks were used...But then came the fun part. Reading every single card and examining every single picture. Oh, if only I had a scanner where I could show off some of these wonderful cards. As I sat on my couch reading them, a smile crossed my face. These kids were writing me with the chinese words I had taught them. Sure, they were a little off. They were saying "m goy you"  or "m goy you a lot" for "thank you" instead of just the "m goi" which was the entire phrase. Almost every card mentioned something about the moving seafood pizza that was so "nasty it was cool" or so "disgusting that I would never eat it!" Some kids mentioned the Buddha pictures were their favorite part. Every single student said thanks for the chopsticks I gave them and they said they use them at home.

The pictures that go with these cards are adorable. A pizza is drawn with the words "wiggle" written around it. On another card, a pizza is shown with the caption "normal pizza" while a pizza right next to it has a fish staring up at me that says "grows pizza." lol. I don't think they got the fact that not all Chinese pizza's looked like that. Or that that pizza had been ordered at a Japanese restaurant. All I know is it was cute!

Cammi drew a picture of Big Buddha, exactly how she remembered seeing it in my picture, steps and all. I couldn't have drawn one better if I were to do it now! Cammi even said she liked the part when I said Buddha was 80 feet tall. Another kid wrote "forget Big, that's HUGE!" These kids remembered that fact?! That's impressive.

Some of the pictures were simply me hugging the kid who wrote the card. Sometimes I was in China (though it looked like Egypt). Some were just a circle to signify pizza. Some pictures were Big Buddha (whether I could see it or not) and some drew what they remembered Hong Kong to look like with really tall buildings and a miniscule Lisa...One kid even drew some kids playing football. He was intrigued by the fact that we taught the kids we taught how to play American football and I included pictures of them playing in my slideshow; "did you know that you taught the children my favorite sport? It was football."

"Thank you for the chopsticks and teaching us how to use them." "I work well with the chopsticks." "Can I get more chopsticks? My dog at mine." "My sister calls them pencils." "Thank you for the chopsticks. I still don't know how to use them."

Who knows, maybe there's future travelers to Hong Kong from this fourth grade class. I heard many "I want to go to China" as I was getting ready to leave that day. As I read these cards, there's many "I can't wait to go to Hong Kong someday!" "I'm going to go to Hong Kong when I get older!" They're just so cute!

What did I learn from all of this?? Put the lesson where the mouth is! Whether that be in the form of a moving pizza video or by buying chopsticks in bulk and handing them out to use at their own meals while trying to teach 30 rambunctious 9 and 10 year olds how to use them. If you do that, kids are bound to pay attention! I was able to share my experience in a fun and exciting way and they were able to learn a little bit about another culture through stories and learning new words.

Okay, so the update of my life...

Just got done with my spring break...A week off. nice. relaxing. not long enough. I went home for a few days, you know, to please the parents. I ended up going in and talking to a fourth grade class and taught them all about China. They LOVED it! I LOVED it! I showed my moving pizza video. Grossed the kids out! lol. Taught them how to say thank you and hello so they could greet their teacher. I even taught them how to use chopsticks. I'd give anything to see pictures of them using their chopsticks at lunch that day as it was nachos and cheese, mixed vegetables and spinach. Oh the grossness of cafeteria lunches...But I'm sure either a) eyes got poked out because of the chopsticks or b) 30 4th graders were the hit of the cafeteria as everyone was jealous of the chopsticks...I came back to school and had my apartment to myself for a few days. That was nice. But I worked. I hate cleaning windows  but hey, it was some money. Yeah, that was pretty much the extent of my break. But I did get to babysit a little bit for a friend. And I was able to talk about China to the 4th graders.

Now it's back to the grind of school. I don't know why, but today, after sitting in 2 classes, going to physical therapy for my knee and working, I'm completely exhausted. Any homework that needs to be done before class tomorrow will get done between classes I guess. I'm too tired to think...I need a break :) And I just got done with one. Go figure.

I am super excited for this summer. I'm living with another family, this time across the street from where I lived last summer. I get to live there for free and just babysit a 2 and 3 year old 10 hours a week. Not too shabby. And then on top of that I'm looking at tutoring jobs! Woohoo!! I hope I can get some good ones! AND...my family is going to the Dominican Republic for two weeks. I wasn't too thrilled at first, but I've been researching the orphanage that we'll be working at and the mission work we'll be doing and I'm really excited for it! Okay, so the idea of waking up with cockroaches in my bed and sleeping with mesquito netting around me is kind of wierd, but hey, I could live in China where I didn't know what I was eating and I'm a horribly picky eater so that's nothing new. I don't remember my spanish...should have paid attention in class. Oh well. I survived in Asia without knowing Chinese, I think I can handle teaching English to orphan kids and doing vacation bible schools in English to them for a week. I'm scared to go with my parents. It's cramped living and teaching is my passion. The thought of having to be "real" around my parents scares me, but I know I have to do it wholeheartedly if I'm to be effective. So I guess, it'll be good at all levels. Good for my brother to go on a missions trip. Good for our family...I guess, maybe it'll show us new stuff about each other. Good for the kids we're working with. Good for me- I get to teach again and God can teach me even more than he already is in another foreign country. Good for the missionaries there- we can encourage them. So the pros definitely outweigh the cons, though it still scares me to do this with my family. I wouldn't be so scared if I was doing it on my own...which is wierd for most people to understand.

So that's pretty much the latest update on my life...until next time...adios, amigos! (I'd write it in Chinese, but I don't remember what goodbye is in Chinese!)